The period between the middle of November and Christmas can be very gloomy here in Macedonia. It's hard to feel Christmassy when it's grey, and hard to hit the ground running in terms of work in the New Year considering the Orthodox Christmas celebrations take place between the 5-7th of January, making the holiday period feel a bit endless (Bah Humbug!).
December is a month of reflection, this year more than usual. I'm writing this on the 31st, the last day of the year, and the official halfway point for the 2020s. Half way! Somehow half of the decade that started with Covid is gone, and I have this persistent feeling that not much has changed. This is silly, of course, because a lot has changed, but I have this nagging feeling recently that I should be better somehow by now. A better illustrator, better worker, a better person in general - but hard as I try I can't quite seem to put my finger on what's missing.
Sometimes, imposter syndrome is a good thing - it pushes you to try new things and improve. On the other hand it can turn into a cruel, unproductive whisper in the ear very quickly.
I got some interesting feedback during a porfolio review recently. Since October 2023 I've changed my way of working, partly for aesthetic reasons and partly because of some stubborn pain in my right wrist caused by the repeated fine movements of digital painting. Instead of working 100% digitally, I switched to mixed media - inks and pencil for lineart and texture, then digitally colouring the pieces.
The feedback was broadly positive, but when I showed my old work, the agent said it was likely to be more commerically viable than the new method.
I'm very grateful for this insight, but it was a frustrating bit of feedback to hear. I thought I was on the right track with this new way of working, but perhaps it would have been more productive to stick with the old method!
Following this experience I decided to do a bit of market research, producing two versions of the same illustration in the two methods. I sent these to clients, friends, other artists and family, asking which version they prefered.
I was prepared for dissapointment, to hear that the vast majority prefered the old way of working, but the result was even more frustrating: opinion was divided 50/50.
On one hand this was great, and served as permission to continue with the new method, which I personally prefer (as does my carpal-tunnel-ridden wrist) - or even to use both methods, depending on the needs of the project at hand. It also shows how subjective illustration can be, and that it's important not to do a complete 180 based on the opinion of one professional.
At the end of the day, nothing much came from my little experiment, but I felt it was important to respond to this feedback proactively, and take the opportunity to potentially improve my craft. It's an outlook I want to take into the second half of the decade - being ready to fail, even if nothing changes.
On the last Sunday of the year we set off for Kozijak mountain, having longed for months to return there after a beautiful hike back in October 2022. There is a discoball at the peak, and to this day it is the coolest summit marker I've ever seen.
After walking for a couple of hours we noticed the dog (who loves this winter weather) was swimming in the snow, which came up to my hip in a few places. Despite the perfect weather and fresh powder, we decided after a cup of tea it was better to turn back. It was dissapointing, but as we watched the sun go down on the way back, I felt quite proud of us - sometimes it's better to know when to stop, rather than stubbornly suffering to reach the peak.
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